she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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