I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
