my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
