you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
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Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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