I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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