I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The air was thick with penises
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
These tits shall not be calmed
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
