I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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