I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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