bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You are a booty call, not a friend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
