as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
