we're chasing vodka with high fives
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
