dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
