just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize