Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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