He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
