Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
