I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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