you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The power of my boobs compel you
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
