just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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