Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
