I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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