I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
