So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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