He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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