my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
