I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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