What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
