I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
