she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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