i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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