you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
