Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
