I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
