I saw his package. It spoke to me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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