cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
