dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
