I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
