after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
