Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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