New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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