it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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