I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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