Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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