I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
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Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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