just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
