She said her name was "party"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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