i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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