Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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