Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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