OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
