Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
