i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
