I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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