so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
