I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
