I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
