I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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