Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
